Why do I even bother? You don’t listen to me. You don’t see me. You want me to tag along, because I am easy to be with, but you talk right over what I say. You make fun of the things I am passionate about. You make fun of people and that breaks my heart. You insist that I could do better, be better, but you aren’t even listening. So why do I bother?
I have stopped bothering. Except when I can’t. And truthfully, I miss you. I just don’t miss how you treat me. You don’t even see it. And there is nothing I can say to help you see it. So why do I bother?
Because anger unexpressed eventually turns to depression.
And there is plenty to be angry about. Have you seen the news? No, not that news, the news of your neighbors, the news from the world news outlets. I can justify keeping the news local. A person can only handle so much bad news. But even the local has become too much.
I work in a paid position that allows me to follow my heart and values. There is so much chaotic unorganized change on all fronts happening that even that work has become overwhelming. I do my best to filter the changes, to continue on because we have seen changes like this before. I have witnessed and believe that those involved with the system level changes have a service-minded, kind heart like I do. But this moment in time all that is going on is overwhelming. It’s hard to find a stable place to rest my feet.
So, I have retreated. Just for a few days. Four days and three nights, right before a weekend – to be exact. The first thing I did – after squeezing in last minute to-dos – when I arrived at my retreat was to take a long hot soak in the tub. When you are used to being on the go it’s amazing how hard it is to slow down. The first long hot soak is nowhere near my latest long hot soak. Yes, I have had a few. After the second one, I could feel my worn body begin to relax.
That’s the thing. How does one relax when it feels like one’s world is on fire? I know that when I am exhausted everything looks like it’s on fire. The process of my retreating is to rest and restore my body’s equilibrium, and to being to unwind my thoughts. My plan is to write.
And what do I want to say? So much. So much that it’s difficult to know where to begin. Where I think, I should begin makes me so sad, because you should already know this. But we are in a time with loud distracting events. We are in a time of dismantling. We view this time with different vantage points. We’ve all wanted change. How change is happening is disruptive and startling, especially as this chaos has revealed so much ugliness. We can’t unsee it. The ugly has always been there. Some of us weren’t in places we could talk about it.
Now we are back to the beginning. We couldn’t talk about it because we were dismissed, argued with, and told our version wasn’t real. We were told we are overreacting. No way would that person do that. Are you sure you didn’t hear it wrong, see it wrong, participate in some way? Why speak when no one is listening?
There were people listening, just not the ones I was speaking to. And yes, I did have a part in lots of the disturbances and heartbreak. Sometimes my part was simply being the person in the place for things to happen. Sometimes my part was being related, being the daughter, being the only girl in a family system that primarily was male. Sometimes my part was blowing (not literally) something up because I was loyal, or I was fed up, or I believed in what was possible, not what was actually happening. And sometimes things needed to be blown up. I started again. I have started again a few times. At least for all that, I am resilient.
So, why now? Why bother writing now? That’s a good question. One that I have asked myself often. I am at a point in my life where I have had a ‘good’ life. I am at the pinnacle of my most recent career, a place beyond my expectations. I am serving and bringing my skills to my position in a place that feels supportive. I am content with my life – worked on accepting and healing the wounds of my past. My son is grown.
So why now? I am not finished with living. I am not ready to resign myself to being ‘put on a shelf’. Unless it’s, of course, my book (that I haven’t finished writing yet). I have more to offer, more to give, more to say and more to do. Especially, I mean, have you seen the state of things?
It has taken me a long time to begin writing. Why, you ask? I have been so heartbroken and angry. When I start to write about all of that, it falls flat – at least to me. There are plenty of people doing an elegant job speaking against and speaking up. I support their voices. I want to speak to what’s possible, what we could be. I want to speak into the beauty and hope of our world. I believe we who sometimes feel like warriors need the respite to refresh. We need the reminders of why, and the signposts of where we are heading. What peace, equality and generosity and kindness might look like. Reminders that balance benefits everyone. I am not completely sure of all the things I will write about, but I need to write.
I need this for me. I need to hear it myself. I also need to give myself the place to voice these things. You don’t have to stay and read it. My hope is that what I write lifts and steadies you and that it gives you courage to speak, write, sing, paint, and express yourself as bravely as you can.
This chaos needs the steady rhythm and music of our voices and our expressions. Each and every one of us has the ability to respond and this is a time that requires all of us to respond. May our responses be genuine. May they bring about the world we envision – together in peace and justice, with humor, lightness and beauty.
More soon,